The immoral seats of power

The news of the viginia tech incident shocked the world. Certainly, it shocked me, half that is. I knew that shootings like these were common in America, but for the gunman to be a South Korean. It makes it hard for asians of any country to walk around. With eyes bearing down upon us like untrusting hawks. We must remember, that this is the first internation incident, whereas all of the previous cases were all committed by white people. Yet black people are still seen as more violent. For all those people who know distrust asians, and even to asians who distrust south koreans, let me say this. YOU ARE ALL MORONS. What does it matter to the rest of asia that one asian who went into a violent society went around shooting people? How does this one kid link to the rest of the world? HE IS JUST ONE KID. If you think you can conjecture what the entire asia is like from just one person, you must be blind. Everyone is different. Everyone is unique, no two people are the same, even if they are twins. Personalities, experiences, culture, thoughts, feelings, character, creativity, imagination and curiousity. All of these must be added into the pot before you can create a human being. Without one, you are nothing. But everyone has one, and none of them are the same. So get your head out of the clouds and slap yourself, because welcome to real life. No other country, not even South Korea, would have these sort of incidents. Europe and other countries, sure, but not as much as America. Wonder why….

Weak, that is all i can describe those people who went on mad rampages to kill. Unable to tolerate society and what is considered ‘normal’. Unable to hold within them the anger and hatred. Their jars were filled to the brim, but they did not know how to contain it. They are weak minded, that is all.

You cannot really blame it on anything external, like games and music. Why? Because there are thousands, maybe millions of kids who are in the exact same position, yet they never snap. So why? Psychologists are aiming at ‘copycat’ sort of syndrome. I cannot agree to that. Something is amiss. When i saw the ‘manifesto’ of that kid, i was wondering, who was he? No, not his name, but what was within his eyes. Empty, expressionless, like a hollow shell made into a puppet.

I do not believe that human beings are so weak as to be unable to control themselves for this sort of situation. It may sound unthinkable, but it is possible that these kids were controlled. Not by games or music or by following other shootings. No. There is something wrong, and amiss. It feels as though he is a scapegoat for something else. When all eyes are drawn to him, something should be happening.

Ma told me last night. If i keep playing games, it will cost me my grades. I know that. In fact, i know more than she does. But she did not realize, that everything we do, is a cause an effect case. There is no such thing as a free thing. When you do something, it comes at the expense of something else, and it will also produce another thing. The universal price for everything? Time. We pay time for everything we do. Like tiny pennies, it may be sufficient for some things we do, whereas others, time must be paid with something, to get something else. Of course, the price for life, is death. But is it possible to skip the payment and get off it? Because, though we were given life, we were also given hardships to live through. I believe we have long paid our dues.

What is man’s greatest enemy? Simple, man himself. No one else. We are our own creators, and our own destroyers. “God is not a handyman to answer the calls of the weak.” “God was created for the weak” “The strong has no need for God.” These lines came from a comic i read. For all religious people, you may complain and object, i won’t say anything. But if you step back from your belief for a moment, these are true. Who seeks ‘God’ the most? Those in times of need. The weak. The strong have no need for ‘God’, because they know they have challenges ahead of them and cannot focus as much. In times of despair, we tend to blame almost everything. I saw on the news, some students at VT were calling the shooter a ‘monster’. I did not make it up. They did call him that. It makes me wonder, why must people still do this? He is no monster, he is a human being. People can then ask, how can you call a person who mindlessly shoots people a human being? How? Easy, just say it. Humans are strong and yet frail. Did you know that everyone is capable of just shooting everyone and everything else around them? Yes, you may say, ‘i wouldn’t do that’, but i know. I studied psychology, and i know that all humans are capable of mass murder. The thing is, what made this person cross the threshold that humans have placed there. A taboo, as some may say. Because some things make us uneasy, therefore we avoid it, look down at it, hate it. But these are not laws of nature. No, these are laws of humanity. Rules made up by humans and no one else. Like language, also is the work of man.

…. Xuan is no longer around. No, he didn’t die. But he is no longer in control. I’m wizard. And i’ve taken over for quite some time already. He is lost, and i cannot find him. Just hope he hasn’t gone insane yet….

Baring the fangs of the beast within (Frenchfries on the side)

i’ve always wondered, what my future would hold. As i said before, i could once see into my own future, at most by a week, but even so, it was amazing. I knew when things were to going to happen and stuff. And i could see myself in different places. It’s almost like the movie ‘next’, but that movie isn’t out yet. I guess…. even if i could see into my own future, i was still surprised by it. I never knew when it would happen, only knew it would. Sometimes, the timing of things were just too…. weird, so those images had no meaning at the timing of viewing.

Well, one other thing i had, and i actually still have, is the vision of future events in dreams. Premonitions, somewhat…. but only of my future. It is different from the capability of seeing into my future when i’m awake. That strength is gone, long gone, and that one has the capability for me to remember it. For dreams…. i can forget about it the moment i wake up, and when i go through the event, i remember it, like i’m going through constant deja vu…… Scary if you think about it. I take pauses very often because of this…..

I think i knew what gong gong was trying to tell me in my dream some time ago. I had a dream about three months back…. Gong gong was in my dream. He nodded his head to me, as though approving of something. I never knew what it was. Then…. i remembered…. he smiled. I rarely saw Gong gong smile, especially with the more recent memories of him when he was still alive…. he always had a groucy look on him… but then again… he did smile. It was a long time ago…. he did smile to me. But in my dream, it was totally bizzare…. my family trying to revive gong gong…. now that is just going too far. But now i know what he represented in my dream. I realized this after so long, that i blame myself for not noticing it earlier. Really…. i’m so stupid. I am his grandson. I know that. Gong gong…. he was smiling because he was trying to reassure me. He was trying to tell me that it’s all alright. In my time of worry, i could not help but feel like everything was going to end. While gong gong’s intention may not be that, i can’t help but feel that way. Like he was telling me that no matter what road i choose, no matter what choices i make or what happens to me, he was telling me to keep walking on it. During that time, i was carrying a heavy guilt for a lot of things. The guilt that weighed on my shoulders were breaking my mind, and that dream occurred.

Honestly, it just freaked the shit out of me. Seeing gong gong in my dream when i never had anything related to him close to me in so long. But to see the normally groucy looking gong gong smile…. it was nice. Of course i did not know what to make of it, and only three months after that dream… i came to realization. My life is mine to make. Gong gong walked down his, and so will everyone else. There is no right or wrong answer to everything. There isn’t just one answer to every question, but multiple. Like how everyone has more than one face to them. Everything has more than one face to them, be it the forces of nature, which can nuture and nurish, or destroy and obliderate, or the powers from above (which i don’t really believe in them). So in the end, this is my road. This is my life, my world. Everyone will scorn me and look down on me, but i will not care. There is no such thing as ‘normal’. There is only the way we each live our lives.

Anyway, onto other matters. Looks like my mom has just left the airport and is en route here. While i do not wish her harm on the way, or at anytime, there is a part of me…. that wishes that everything would just disappear. No worries, no pain. Just the silence of solitude. But many things has happened. And i have come to realize something. Solitude may be an answer, but it should be my answer. Humans were born with the yearn to be in company of others. A life of solitude should not exist, it must not exist. But yet it does, as does the word still lives. And words, never die.

My path is darkened now. And the chains of fate will once more wrap itself around me. I know what is to become of me. And just as my own chains are binding me in, the chains that kept the horror of horrors within me is starting to break. It is angry,and it is ready to kill. This creature…. is worse than anything i have let out before. He is the one thing that i remember receiving from that pact i made so long ago. A pact made by a foolish young boy, with something he could not even understand. And even now, he cannot understand. I do have any memories of who i did it with, but i know that that was the day the beast was chained within me. Anger, hatred, irritation, agitation, frustration, jealousy…. these which fuel him, and guilt with regret, that brings him closer to being free…. understand, that this is not simply a person’s mental mind snapping at stress. This is much more than that. Once he is released, i will no longer have any control. And i do not know when that is. At times, he is so close to being free that i feel like i’m no longer able control myself. And at other times, he leaves no trace for sometime that i forget he exists in the first place. Now, i must steel myself for the inevitable.

Well, this might be the last post that i will make in Canada. There will be another time, but as i’ve known before, my future, is dark as ever. Though i know not to believe the omens of cards too much, it is clear that the cards have acted like a catalyst for the event to occur. Well, let’s just hope that i don’t get skinned for my failures. …. May i will get skinned… either way.

Tis’ were of decree from above (4th floor, managing)

In my earlier post, i stated that i hated my life etc. Well, i sound emo….. really depressing. But i hate emo. I hate all those depressed freaks. No offense (too late though), but i really can’t stand it. Everything seems to go wrong for them because they think and believe it is all wrong. So they fail, self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now, as for me, i know there is a better side, but at the moment, i’m not getting it. So, i’m very stressed out and going on rampages in my own little world.

I bought command and conquer 3….. great…. now i’m really in deep shit.

Cleaned the house yesturday…. now it looks all sparkly, except everything is still dusty and my toilet is still dirty…. Well, the glass on the bath tub is not cleanable…. i hate this….

I really can’t manage myself. I need someone to tell me what to do, and i in turn, shout and kick someone’s butt into high gear for that task which i was suppose to do. In short, i’m most suited to be a middle man.

Everyone who came to last social psyc class all looked forward to grad school…. i can’t even do that now. All i can look forward to is ns, and that is not very encouraging. If i know that either way i’m still going to enter, then my motivation goes rock bottom. Maybe this is why i can’t get myself to work harder, because either way the end result is bleak and same. But this is just an excuse, i know. An excuse that i will use over and over again, and of course, regret it and berate myself about it in my head….

That dumb jerk jerry pestered me today by keep trying to call. Maybe i should not have removed the altar for cursing… but too late. I need to create one from scratch and it takes too much time…. time, is something i do not have.

Ma will come, and i have tried to make sure her ride is smooth and safe, but i’ve only sought help from two elements…. Air and Water have complied… what about the rest?

dammit….. ah well, i finally recieved the note from the post office. I think my game has arrived…. but it says that a letter is what i got, not a parcel… odd. I will check with the office tomorrow. If i can wake up early for school, then i’ll take number 11 back to go through the mall…. but if i miss the class overall…. i’ll go to pick whatever it is then go for lunch…. A&W closed for some reason, so i may go itto….

I’m tired of all this…. the knife looks so pretty and shiny….. i still prefer getting a katana…. but seppuku is something i’d rather not go through.

Luna Dagon

As with how blood flows like water,

The wind howling the desires of the soul.

The fire burning with the heart’s passion.

The determination, as hard as earth.

Life…. is all but an end.

They are becoming silent. Mad, and silent. I cannot stand it. Something is wrong. Something is definately wrong. These changes that are happening around me…. they move to fast. It is causing some reaction among the rest of us. Wizard’s voice is growing weaker. His thoughts are becoming less focused. Fang has tried to help keep the other blood-crazed ones under control, but time is running short. I’ve lost contact with five of my others already. It is as though something is taking over them. Something that isn’t me. Shun has grown silent…. Takeshi has gone mad. This is wrong, all wrong. Something is going to happen, and they know it. But they won’t tell me…. they can’t tell me.

Derrick…. he is getting stronger, but also crazier with each passing day. The number of times i am in control can be counted in seconds… There are more of them. Maybe fifty of them…. i don’t know. They are out of control, and crazed. Blood lust. I will keep trying to suppress them as hard as i can. But soon, i will snap as well. Before that happens…. i need to find the Seal of Luna Dagon. I have no clue as to why…. but everything seems to link. Luna Dagon, the Chariot, the Hanged Man, Cancer, the Dragon. The Empress.

Soon, i will no longer be myself. I can’t afford this. Not at such a crucial time like this. Dammit. I need to suppress it. The cards won’t help this time. I need something else. Dammit…. I’m losing memories, with each part of me becoming crazed. I do not know how many me’s there are, but… all i know is that the number of them becoming crazed, is increasing at a very alarming rate….. this is not good.

For those who read this, let us just say…. that you will find me odd at times. My mood will change faster than the moving second hand of time. Too many of them are becoming dominant. That means, i will no longer have any memories of my original self. A side too extreme, is what i’ll become. Each time, that will change. But then again… i never did have an original self to begin with…. still, i need to do something…. fast.

So it shall be

The cards have told me…. my future is bleak. Black, pitch black. It is hard to imagine, really, how it can change any other way.

It has been five years alredy…. five years since i’ve lost my third sight. In the past, it was possible for me to see past everything. To see into the future. I could prepare for it. But… i don’t know why i lost it. Maybe the ritual i did back then had an effect, a very unwanted one indeed. Now, i can’t. It won’t show itself to me as it did before. All i see…. is darkness. This solitude is quite cold, really. No fire can warm me up from this chill. It is like no other. A dark winter chill.

I have turned to wiccan, or magicka. Tarot cards and stuff…. i thought i would only try it to test out the validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy, but i found that even the cards have foretold the worst. My coming future, is very bleak. Three times, i have drawn the death card, twice, the devil, and once the fool. Like no other, it is foretelling what is to come, or what may come. Yes, i have asked the cards whether it is truely my future, and the cards have told me the obvious.  No. The cards have merely shown me one path, and it was the path of total destruction. Of course, they have not revealed to me what the opposing path would lead me to, but they have shown me what many have told me before. I need to work hard to gain what should be mine. However, they also reveal that that path, is no bed of roses.

The path of hardwork to gain the golden fruit, is full of thorns. I will suffer many hardships, but it would be through those hardships, that i would gain i have wanted. The cards have not specified what these hardships are… but for one thing, these are no ordinary hardships. It could be sickness, it could be fatal. Strange.

I have set up two different set-ups for the cards. One to curse Jerry for being the idiot that he is. He came into our apartment building, claiming to be a resident here, and told the person who let him in that he stayed at our place. IDIOT. What’s more, when he’s banging on the door, the same person who let him in told him not to bang on the door, and he scolded her. what the hell. I think he scolded her once more, and she said that she was an agent working here. Now that, is fucked. Jerry MUST go to apologize to that agent, if not, i will not dispel the five curses i have sent after him. Yes, five. While i have removed the altar already, i have made sure that the curses are still following him. They may not show themselves yet, or anytime soon, but they are there.

My main set-up altar, is for two purposes. One for my own success in my exams, though that is a long-shot. I will need the power of God and Earth to ensure that i am still in University by the end of this term. And i need for than those powers to make sure i graduate within the allocated four years. Yes, i know. This semester will be my last semester in UBCO, there is no question about it. No possibility of me passing. Oh yes, the other purpose for the altar. It’s main focus, is on my parents. This set up is suppose to be filled with positive energies, so my main card for this set-up, is save travels. This is for my parents. I plan to keep this set-up until my mom arrives, but its powers are waning. This is odd. No matter, i must ensure that this card works.

I have always known, that i am a useless child. From young, i have done nothing but made my parents worry over me. When compared to my sisters, i really am nothing. Jie is smart and creative. Lu is outgoing and very eager to learn things. Me? I’m nothing really. I know i’ve said this before, but really. No one can name a single thing i am good at that actually benefits me as a person. Good at games? Doesn’t help me in my future. Writing? My description sucks and i keep have writer’s block. Joker? Lamer and loudspeaker. I have nothing good. I’m not good at sports and i can’t even memorize anything anymore. I even forget how to spell my own name. This is not a joke. I really did.

I have thought of commiting suicide. Hmm, about ten times since i entered University. Fifty times since i came to Canada. And of course, i lost count of how many times i tried to kill myself back in Singapore. But….. i can never do it. Unlike jie, i can’t cut m wrist. No knife is sharp enough to cut through. There are actually two pieces of cartilage in both arms that protect my veins and arteries… so lame. Actually, i have managed to cut my wrist once before…. but that was totally accidental. Still, i entertained that thought after panicing about five seconds. I looked on as the blood flowed. How simple it would be to just drop dead. But of course, i was hungry as well, and since food with my own blood taste horrible, i went to bandage it up. Wounds heal quickly for me and leave no scar, so it isn’t visible anymore.

So, i’ve tried to kill myself. But then i realized…. my life is horrible, it is a mess, and i only cause troubles for ma and pa. No one will really be sad if i wasn’t around. Everyone would benefit. Ma and Pa will have more money in their retirement, they will have one less headache, and the world will be more peaceful. Yes, i should just leave. There is no place for me here, really.  You know, i think even death will hate me, maybe that is why i’m alive. Cuz death gave me life to kick me out. Anyway, i came to realize. Yes, the world will be better. And humans actually adapt to negative changes VERY quickly, but…. For that instant, i would have made Ma and Pa sad. I don’t know about my own siblings, but i know for that one instant, Ma and Pa, would be sad. Maybe shed a tear or two, but…. somehow, i just cannot stand it. For even though i am a useless child, the last thing i want, is to see my own parents cry because of my death. Silly, yes, but it is odd. Even if i am to be kicked out of University, i thought, it is better to see Ma and Pa get furious over it, and most likely kick me out of the house, but even so, at least they didn’t have that sort of sad emotion.

I’ve been to many funerals, and i know what it is like. I know what everyone feels, how everyone behaves. Like waves of energies that are projected onto me. That emotion…. is too strong. It pains me to feel it each time. So… suicide is out my list. My parents are important to me, even if they hate me. I don’t care. All i need to know, is i, myself, have tried. Death is meaningless now. That is why i want to try to find the impossible fountain of eternal youth. I like it now. With my parents and everyone. I don’t want to see anyone else die. I can feel their last breath escape from their bodies like it was the wind against my nape.

I simply do not wish for anyone to die. It is simple, and born from the wish that my parents will never be sad. But this wish… i cannot grant it. Because, i know i’m going to make Ma angry. I just have to prepare for it. Maybe she won’t throw the pen like she did before. I don’t think i have a bandage for my head around the apartment. That time, my head bled a lot. I still remember. I always remember these things.

I do not wish for Ma or Pa to see this. It will only make them worry. But if they do see this post…. well, all i can say is… sorry.

Bloody Road to Gaming King

It is hard, to play games. Really. To adapt to every new game out there, is one thing i want to excel at. To get a new cool game, and within a few seconds, be able to play like no other. Well, actually it is quite common for most people to be like that…. sigh.

My Gundam game has not arrived yet. Bastard…. I need to check my mail box again.

I feel as though this semester will be my last in UBCO. I cannot pass…. I know i cannot pass. I know i cannot make the 60% mark. I think i can’t even make it pass 55%. It is harsh…. by right, i should be passing, i studied like hell was after me…. but…. i don’t know where i went wrong. I know i’m wrong, but where. I CAN’T FREAKING SEE MY OWN FAULT! The only fault i know of myself, i am addicted to gaming. I know that and CLEARLY express it. I’m more than addicted to games. I can’t let go. I’ve known that i’ve been addicted to gaming ever since i first got my hands on my first game. It is no surprise, really. Because in the realm of gaming, i can be whatever i want to be. No worries, no pain…. But when you put me back into reality, i feel as though time was stolen from me. I have lost everything.

This semester…. will be my last. I will go back to Singapore and never come back to Kelowna. Looks like i’ll be joining my friends in NS after all, ha. But i’m told to always look at the brighter side of things. The thing is…. is there a better side to NS? Not really. No, definately not. I’m not physically fit, and i hate physical work more than anything.The only perk is that i can go back to Singapore for the food. But… I will disappoint Ma and Pa. I know…. their happiness is very important to me, but i can’t even make them smile like this. I cannot fulfill their wishes. I really am useless, aren’t i?

One of the reasons i wanted to study science…. i wanted to find a way to stop aging. To stop all of us from getting old. From dying. After attending so many funerals…. i realized…. Life…. really is too short. Because life is short, i became afraid. I love life. I want to spend every second with everyone i know. Not the darkness. I hate the darkness of death…. but…. I can’t do anything. Mortals, as they say, are meant to die. Do not wish for the impossible, they say….. well, it isn’t impossible. We are, after all, only limited by our minds. I’m afraid, there is no mistakening it. But i cannot control it. After all…. i’m no longer in control of my body. I feel not being able to do what i want to do…. this is certainly…. an odd feeling. Well, for all things, i’m sorry.

With my Shield, or on it

I FINALLY watched 300 yesturday. I mean, FINALLY! And yes, i agree with most people, it is AWESOME. Those battle scenes are great, and the storyline…. well, i already know the story the 300 spartans, and there is no difference. What i didn’t really expect, was bunches of naked woman dancing around…. really, didn’t really think of that. I wanted to watch those Spartans kill and fight, nothing more. Well, i got more than what i bargained for. Those fight scenes, AWESOME. Some speeches moved me, some just made me think that they stole speeches from Bush…. well, most likely the other way round, since in the original 300 spartan, they also used those phrases, like fight for freedom and liberty. And since the original movie was made way before my time, i would say dear old bushy stole lines from the Greeks. Well, everyone does, anyway.

So the fight scenes were way beyond awesome. And how to reply the persians was too funny. For one thing, i don’t see how this movie is being racist. It is not bad in reaccounting history. Or are you thinking that those dear ‘Immortals’ of the persian king were too ugly? Well, think about it as they under went supreme hard core training, and ended up sort of ugly looking in that sense. And that persian king was tall… omg….

Anyway, it is just a movie, and with loads of cg poured into it. For those who say that it isn’t historically accurate and are unsatisfied with that, i say, GO SHUT THE HELL UP. It is a freaking movie, not a documentry. Just go in, and watch people get killed. The last bit of the movie was way too freaking awesome as well. In response to the death of their King, the spartans FINALLY marched their entire army. Well, they were planning to send them as reinforcements for their king after they found a traitor among their midst who planned to sell Sparta to the Persians. But they were too late, and so, with anger and rage filling their hearts, they assembled. If 300 spartans can hold a pass for a week, and kill off so many persians. Imagine what 10,000 can do. Yes, that is how large the entire Spartan army was. Following the 10,000 strong spartan army? Only the 30,000 strong armies of the Greece. FINALLY! Those Athenians have grown a backbone! They were better on sea, but who says they weren’t good on land? If 1 spartan can kill a hundred men, then the Persian king’s million strong men…. isn’t really going to help him. Remember, that i do not exaggerate. Spartans were warriors, through and through. They were fiercer than any creature on Earth, stronger than most men, and they were basically, Blood hungry. Spartans were brought up in blood-lust, it was what they were bred for. WAR. I first heard of the Spartans during my Primary school trip for my level. My group’s name? Spartans. Yes.  I was a spartan.

My group was comprised of about seventy of us. Against five other groups. We were one of the smaller groups. And we were definately slow in keeping up with the other groups. With the whole point system, my group was ranked last by the second day. We had about five days. With the help of our supervisors, we pushed up and went to second place. We then made one last push to first place. Personally, i do not know what happened, but our supervisor’s encouragement made us…. mad, like crazy. We literally did not care for anything. While most groups made their tents nice and all, we just slung the waterproof thing over a rope, and used our bags as pillows. Five to a tent. It was cramp but none of us complained. I wonder why. Like i said…. we were…. crazy. This could be part of the self-fulling prophecy…. but…. the actor’s dilemma also looks sound.

Anyway, other than spartans, i’ve gotten hold of Sister princess! OMG, Those girls are SO CUTE!!! MOE!!!! MY MOE IS BURNING LIKE NO OTHER!!!! THIS IS…. THIS IS CERTAINLY, THE MOE OF MOE!!!!

But my dl is not going anywhere past 67.1%…. no more seeders… i need to request some. Some other things, like Hayate no Gotokuis finally turning into an anime. Hope they don’t change the storyline TOO much…. Murder Princess is also turning into an anime, an OVA to be more specific.

Other new things are coming out…. but…. MOE!!!! I WANT MY MOE!!!