Solitude within a single flame

Another day, another life.

Things happen, many things don’t. Faced with reality, can one stand tall, or shall he fall?

Listen close, listen well. Place your heart not where you are, but where it dwells.

Gather around, my children. Let the flames of the fire flicker in your souls.

Live life to the fullest, yet conserve it all. To live is to die, and to beckon to one’s call.

I have seen many things, done many things. In fact, have i led another life already? I don’t know. I have led many lives, maybe, or surely. My words, like my life is very contradictory. I say i hate to die, but in fact, i wonder what it is like? Would people miss me? I want to see it, the emotions, the pain, the anguish that my absence of life would cause. But…. i’m afraid of it. Would people cry? I wonder. And if they do, then i would want to return to that life. The one which i had abandoned.

I have lived for more than a thousand years. Seen more than million worlds, done more things that anyone, or anything has done before. A king? No, but i still look upon the worlds from my throne. Upon this seat, i have observed. I have killed. I have died. I have lived. Many times over, i have to wonder, what is it about this life that makes me want to cling onto it so dearly? In this life where i am unable to accomplish anything? Why? Why have i continued to walk in this endless dream? In this world where i am nothing, where i would amount to nothing, where i was nothing.

An interesting world, perhaps. One that is full of contradictions. Things in this life, that really is odd…. there are times, when saying nothing means everything, but others, saying everything would be nothing. Should you chase after that person? Or should you walk away? Would you reply the feelings given to you? Or would you turn to face another way? Doing what is right, may be wrong, and what is wrong, may be right. A world filled with mystery, with irony, with sarcasm, with lies, with deceit. A world filled with nothing but people. Humans…. frail mortals that walk this world. Simple minded creatures. Motivated only by what they want, what they wish, what they hope. Sometimes, it can be the source of their rather interesting strength, but most of the time, it is only the source of their desmise. I have sought out many reasons as to why humans are like this, but it isn’t revelant. Nothing is. The basic hunger of humans is certainly… amusing.

People tend to be blinded by that hunger. They cannot see anything else but their narrow world. No, it isn’t that they cannot. They refuse to see it any other way. Stubborn fools. Nothing can stay still forever. Changes happen. But time has stood still for them. Time. A cruel mistress, certainly she has many things that she would like to do. But time…. is simply a creation of creatures. Like everything around us. A simple fabrication of pitiful mortals. Time, life, death, words. Nothing but plain creation of humanity, simply to serve as a convenient tool to them. Like the creation of ‘god’. Afraid of being alone, afraid of living a life where there is no governing law, where there is not ‘leader’ to look up to. Pitiful. And no one ever stops to question about why do humans need god. A simple convenient tool for humans to use. For their defense in crimes, for their ’salvation’. Simple minded fools. Sure, it may grant temporary relief, and sure, it may be useful for them since they work hard for that. But all the same. Blinded, restricted. Refusing all other worlds.

Looking back, i have to wonder, have i walked down the same road before? Did i step in those same steps as those people? If so, then what changed? Why did i come to realize all of this? I do not know. I don’t want to know. I’m tired, all very tired of this. I’m tired of this life, tired of thinking, tired of pleasing. No one knows the real me. Because i have no real self. Born from a simple desire to be something, to live a life that is more interesting than what i used to have. I am not one, but many. In demonology, i would be similar to ‘legion’. I am many, but one. A single mind, many thoughts, a single emotion, many ways to express it. In short, i have lost sight of who i was in the beginning. But then, all i did in the past was try to please others. So, even back then, i was nothing to call my own. I must have realized it by then, most likely. Even now, all i’m doing to trying to please others. Make others praise me. No real, true goal in this life. So then, why did i come here? For what reason and purpose? I do not know.

It isn’t like i had a choice. It wasn’t like i wanted to be like this. A lost person, in a body which has no goal. Truely, since when did it become like this? Another year gone. I don’t want to see the next sun. It isn’t suppose to be like this… but i never knew what it was suppose to be like in the first place. Still! I don’t like this! I don’t want this! I can’t be selfish. There is no meaning in it. To live by accordance of the rules of humanity. Since coming here, i must have understood what they were. THERE WAS NO MEANING TO THOSE MEANINGLESS WORDS! There can be no true sense! Those laws of man, what the hell are they?! Who do they think they are?! Nothing but simple fools! As simple as they are, they are now the governing force for me. Simple, yet flawed, i see no meaning in my own reasoning sometimes. I can’t understand myself! Why do i keep myself locked up?! Why? Simple. I made my own path to where i am now. I have no regrets. All of the past experiences that i have gone through, has made up what i am now. There is not a single thing i would want to change. BUT There are things i want to change! I want to jump back, strangle and tear those that i hated! Rip through everything! Barbaric behaviour was never acceptable. I knew that. I DON’T CARE! Calming down is my top priority each time. Without a cool level head, i can never hope to accomplish anything. Being cool headed will just make me lose precious time! I shouldn’t waste time doing silly things like that! Why should i do things to please others anyway?! Why can’t i just live the way i want to? Because that isn’t the way the society of humanity was structured. To listen to others. I must understand myself why that is so. There is no meaning in understand myself. But there could be meaning in it. Meaningless.

Experiences, emotions, thoughts, feelings. All of these are the basic ingredients to create another me. After all, isn’t that what everyone is made of? Frail things…. humans always assumes, never judges. never thinks. Silly mortals. Their life is so short. Yet they think themselves as gods? They figure themselves as their own creation. Can there be any more stupid behaviour from these creatures? I think not. When they try to deviate from one thing, they end up in another thing. Silly creatures, really. These mortals tend to make big commotion from small events, and small commotion from large events. For example, over exaggeration of events, christmas, parent days, national days, birthdays. Why would you want to celebrate these things? Why? After all, time is a creation of humans, so i guess, they would want to have days where they can relax. To enjoy. But what a silly notion! I cannot even imagine a reason why any other creature would want to do it. Because that is what seperates humans from others. But that is also what makes humans think themselves as superior to other creatures. When in actual fact, they are no better and no worse, isn’t that right? Yes, very much so. Let us leave this topic aside. Humans, no matter how many times told, will never ever change their ways. Yes, they will not be able to change in time for the future. No matter what they do, they will be unable to make it. They have depended too much on things they have created. True, science and religion have brought them a considerable long journey already. But it isn’t enough. They have forgotten it already. Yes, forgotten it, thrown aside, as it has always contradicted their beliefs. Well, let us leave it then. Humans have already forgotten about it. There is no meaning to letting it go on. Soon, all will end. Yes, all will end.

And so, another year gone by…. nothing has changed. Nothing will. I will continue as i have for countless times. I will continue on this fruitless journey, searching for that which i had lost. I may never find it. Then again, i have searched many times before, but i had always found ways never to give up. Strange…. maybe that is why humans are so interesting. Even when the result is meaningless, they still struggle. But most will give up. But there are some…. who will persist. Stubborn, like i said before. It may be different from stubborn. Who knows. Well, let us see where this road will take me. This road of torns. I will walk it. As i have countless of times before me. So, blow out my last candle, and let us start on the last chapter, of this life.