SHUT UP FOO, NIGHT ELF MOHAWK

OMFG!!! THAT IS SOOO FUNNY!!!! I HAVE NEW FOUND ADMIRATION FOR MR. T!!!!!

SHUT UP FOO!!! THIS IS MY NIGHT ELF MOHAWK!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sins of our past, present and future

I have committed many sins…. and i never thought i would be committing one now, but i have no choice. I have to download [your mom] subs….. WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!

I vowed never to watch your mom subs…. but for school rumble ni gakki, i was left no choice but to dl them…… they’ve improved quite a bit, but still, i made it a policy of mine never to dl them after many incidents back then…. even now, their timing is REALLY off. Blank scenes with no subs? I can understand japanese, so lucky for me…. but i can’t archive it! It actually drags the quality of my collection down! Damn you! Wannabefansubs quit subbing already, and all i’m left is Nuke subs, but they’re random, a wild card. Nuke has good quality and decent subbing, problem lies in their release dates.

Ah well…. that is only one sin, though a large one i would not want to make again. I’ve done many other things that wouldn’t be called sanctified. I’m human, albeit a very corrupted one, so not perfect.

I have to wonder, if my greatest sin was also the greatest gift given to me? Is my existence a sin? Maybe.

First snowflake

It finally snowed. Forecasts were late. And i’m late in posting. Well, i’m lazy. That’s a fact. Time to bring out the heavy duty clothes.

Personally, i don’t know what i should do. I cannot focus. At times, my body fails. My eyesight is unable to focus (the longest time being two hours, the shortest being two minutes), my hearing goes deaf (longest being an hour, shortest being a few seconds), my sense of taste also fails (milo tastes like tea, and vice versa). I’m unable to feel cold, or warm. What should be boiling water is warm, what is cold air is mild.

What’s worse, is that my mind fails. My sense of reality is loose. I’m unable to determine what is real, and what is not. Dreams are becoming too realistic, and often, i get lost in them.

I’m unable to do anything right now. Should i be worried? I know i should, but i can’t. As i said before, i am unable to control myself. Be it physically, or mentally, or emotionally. Everything is out of control.

My “alter egos” are all just figments of my imagination and my wishes, but they’ve become more solid, more tangible. They are still me and my imagination, but they are seperate. They are not me, and also me. They represent the different sides of me, and also the different thoughts of me. They know what they are, and they know that i am unable to control myself. We understand, as a whole, that if this continues on, this body will not last. We will not last. I will not last. Losing ones sanity may be this. But then again, i’ve already lost it years ago. Maybe what i’m losing now is not my sanity, but what is left of it.

I will continue to wait, for something that will never come. Something that only occurs within my fantasy worlds. The reality of this world may have been too harsh for me, and so i chose to seclude myself within the confines of a world where nothing can go wrong. But this reality is catching up to me. I feel unable to escape it. I cannot escape it. Because this reality, is my reality. I’m unable to wake up completely. I feel like an audience member, watching a movie that has gone horribly wrong. Watching this person, who looks like me, who sounds like me, who talks like me, who acts like me….. who is me. Watching this ‘me’ stumble about, flailing about as he tries to enjoy himself, while the truth of the world is bombarding him from all sides. He cannot do well in class, he cannot control his spendings, he is lazy, doesn’t even bother to update his stories. And where am i? The person who is suppose to be him? I… am watching me.

Even the words of his parents goes through his ears. They enter mine, and their words echo continuously in my head. I know the consequences, but he doesn’t. I cannot shout at him. He cannot hear me. I cannot tell him to focus on work, because he does not see me. I cannot force him to do well, even with just a pass in his classes, because…. he does not know that i’m there.

A very bad movie gone wrong. As an audience member, can i get up and tell him to change the script? No. But this isn’t a movie. That is me, that i see everytime i need to do something. But so quickly, it changes to ‘him’. ‘He’ takes over, and i sit back, watching from the back of my own head, watching this person do things, and say things, that i find confusing, perplexing, and yet very normal. Why? Because i feel like it is simply a movie.

I feel like finding a well and just shout as loud as i can inside. Maybe ‘he’ would just…. pop out? Yeah right….

I feel lost…. and there is no one to light my road. Because no one realizes that i’m there….. even my parents have forsaken me. I guess that this is as much as they can tolerate. Well, i guess i deserve it. I cannot control myself, or him. But he is me, right? So i cannot control myself entirely. My existence is something that is an enigma to myself…. if people were to ask me, “do you know who you are”…. i would have to say, “no”.

I know that i exist, in this world, and in my own world (though sometimes, i know i don’t exist in my other world). I know that in this world, i have a name. I know that in this world, i have a home, and family, and friends. I know that in this world…. i am who i am….. but…. i don’t know…. who i am. I don’t know exactly why i am here, i don’t know who i really am, i don’t know what i am. I do not know…. myself.