Solitude within a single flame

Another day, another life.

Things happen, many things don’t. Faced with reality, can one stand tall, or shall he fall?

Listen close, listen well. Place your heart not where you are, but where it dwells.

Gather around, my children. Let the flames of the fire flicker in your souls.

Live life to the fullest, yet conserve it all. To live is to die, and to beckon to one’s call.

I have seen many things, done many things. In fact, have i led another life already? I don’t know. I have led many lives, maybe, or surely. My words, like my life is very contradictory. I say i hate to die, but in fact, i wonder what it is like? Would people miss me? I want to see it, the emotions, the pain, the anguish that my absence of life would cause. But…. i’m afraid of it. Would people cry? I wonder. And if they do, then i would want to return to that life. The one which i had abandoned.

I have lived for more than a thousand years. Seen more than million worlds, done more things that anyone, or anything has done before. A king? No, but i still look upon the worlds from my throne. Upon this seat, i have observed. I have killed. I have died. I have lived. Many times over, i have to wonder, what is it about this life that makes me want to cling onto it so dearly? In this life where i am unable to accomplish anything? Why? Why have i continued to walk in this endless dream? In this world where i am nothing, where i would amount to nothing, where i was nothing.

An interesting world, perhaps. One that is full of contradictions. Things in this life, that really is odd…. there are times, when saying nothing means everything, but others, saying everything would be nothing. Should you chase after that person? Or should you walk away? Would you reply the feelings given to you? Or would you turn to face another way? Doing what is right, may be wrong, and what is wrong, may be right. A world filled with mystery, with irony, with sarcasm, with lies, with deceit. A world filled with nothing but people. Humans…. frail mortals that walk this world. Simple minded creatures. Motivated only by what they want, what they wish, what they hope. Sometimes, it can be the source of their rather interesting strength, but most of the time, it is only the source of their desmise. I have sought out many reasons as to why humans are like this, but it isn’t revelant. Nothing is. The basic hunger of humans is certainly… amusing.

People tend to be blinded by that hunger. They cannot see anything else but their narrow world. No, it isn’t that they cannot. They refuse to see it any other way. Stubborn fools. Nothing can stay still forever. Changes happen. But time has stood still for them. Time. A cruel mistress, certainly she has many things that she would like to do. But time…. is simply a creation of creatures. Like everything around us. A simple fabrication of pitiful mortals. Time, life, death, words. Nothing but plain creation of humanity, simply to serve as a convenient tool to them. Like the creation of ‘god’. Afraid of being alone, afraid of living a life where there is no governing law, where there is not ‘leader’ to look up to. Pitiful. And no one ever stops to question about why do humans need god. A simple convenient tool for humans to use. For their defense in crimes, for their ’salvation’. Simple minded fools. Sure, it may grant temporary relief, and sure, it may be useful for them since they work hard for that. But all the same. Blinded, restricted. Refusing all other worlds.

Looking back, i have to wonder, have i walked down the same road before? Did i step in those same steps as those people? If so, then what changed? Why did i come to realize all of this? I do not know. I don’t want to know. I’m tired, all very tired of this. I’m tired of this life, tired of thinking, tired of pleasing. No one knows the real me. Because i have no real self. Born from a simple desire to be something, to live a life that is more interesting than what i used to have. I am not one, but many. In demonology, i would be similar to ‘legion’. I am many, but one. A single mind, many thoughts, a single emotion, many ways to express it. In short, i have lost sight of who i was in the beginning. But then, all i did in the past was try to please others. So, even back then, i was nothing to call my own. I must have realized it by then, most likely. Even now, all i’m doing to trying to please others. Make others praise me. No real, true goal in this life. So then, why did i come here? For what reason and purpose? I do not know.

It isn’t like i had a choice. It wasn’t like i wanted to be like this. A lost person, in a body which has no goal. Truely, since when did it become like this? Another year gone. I don’t want to see the next sun. It isn’t suppose to be like this… but i never knew what it was suppose to be like in the first place. Still! I don’t like this! I don’t want this! I can’t be selfish. There is no meaning in it. To live by accordance of the rules of humanity. Since coming here, i must have understood what they were. THERE WAS NO MEANING TO THOSE MEANINGLESS WORDS! There can be no true sense! Those laws of man, what the hell are they?! Who do they think they are?! Nothing but simple fools! As simple as they are, they are now the governing force for me. Simple, yet flawed, i see no meaning in my own reasoning sometimes. I can’t understand myself! Why do i keep myself locked up?! Why? Simple. I made my own path to where i am now. I have no regrets. All of the past experiences that i have gone through, has made up what i am now. There is not a single thing i would want to change. BUT There are things i want to change! I want to jump back, strangle and tear those that i hated! Rip through everything! Barbaric behaviour was never acceptable. I knew that. I DON’T CARE! Calming down is my top priority each time. Without a cool level head, i can never hope to accomplish anything. Being cool headed will just make me lose precious time! I shouldn’t waste time doing silly things like that! Why should i do things to please others anyway?! Why can’t i just live the way i want to? Because that isn’t the way the society of humanity was structured. To listen to others. I must understand myself why that is so. There is no meaning in understand myself. But there could be meaning in it. Meaningless.

Experiences, emotions, thoughts, feelings. All of these are the basic ingredients to create another me. After all, isn’t that what everyone is made of? Frail things…. humans always assumes, never judges. never thinks. Silly mortals. Their life is so short. Yet they think themselves as gods? They figure themselves as their own creation. Can there be any more stupid behaviour from these creatures? I think not. When they try to deviate from one thing, they end up in another thing. Silly creatures, really. These mortals tend to make big commotion from small events, and small commotion from large events. For example, over exaggeration of events, christmas, parent days, national days, birthdays. Why would you want to celebrate these things? Why? After all, time is a creation of humans, so i guess, they would want to have days where they can relax. To enjoy. But what a silly notion! I cannot even imagine a reason why any other creature would want to do it. Because that is what seperates humans from others. But that is also what makes humans think themselves as superior to other creatures. When in actual fact, they are no better and no worse, isn’t that right? Yes, very much so. Let us leave this topic aside. Humans, no matter how many times told, will never ever change their ways. Yes, they will not be able to change in time for the future. No matter what they do, they will be unable to make it. They have depended too much on things they have created. True, science and religion have brought them a considerable long journey already. But it isn’t enough. They have forgotten it already. Yes, forgotten it, thrown aside, as it has always contradicted their beliefs. Well, let us leave it then. Humans have already forgotten about it. There is no meaning to letting it go on. Soon, all will end. Yes, all will end.

And so, another year gone by…. nothing has changed. Nothing will. I will continue as i have for countless times. I will continue on this fruitless journey, searching for that which i had lost. I may never find it. Then again, i have searched many times before, but i had always found ways never to give up. Strange…. maybe that is why humans are so interesting. Even when the result is meaningless, they still struggle. But most will give up. But there are some…. who will persist. Stubborn, like i said before. It may be different from stubborn. Who knows. Well, let us see where this road will take me. This road of torns. I will walk it. As i have countless of times before me. So, blow out my last candle, and let us start on the last chapter, of this life.

The blood fountain

The body is truely a fragile thing, and like most fragile objects, they break. A broken form to which has brought only pain and suffering, and to be ignored by all others.

Be it of the helplessnes, be it of the shame. or be it of fear. We shall leave not one for others in pain.

Torn from back of an angel, these blood soaked wings would only weigh him down. It can only blind his path, for it has covered his eyes, with stained feathers.

Severe the bond from the holy saint who has yet to receive a single blessing. It would only confuse his true heart, with its selfish constant cries.

Place his trust not in the body of men, but within the soul of what men has trampled upon. Salvage what was lost, and return it not to its true owner, but to the successor of time.

Heed the words of the liar who can tell no lie. From what was right, was wrong, and follow its will to find not truth, but reality.

Worship a demon, for he can never be wrong. His guidance shall lead him down not the true path, but down the thorned road.

Seek out the flaming passion of the soul,

Call out ever infinite winds of the mind,

Let forth the pure flowing waters of the heart,

Break away the chains that bind the hardened earth of the body.

Search for what is not lost, but what is found. Hold tight what thy has, for without securing it,  it would be lost from your grasps.

Drink the waters of the fountain of blood, then let yourself decide, that should it be, or should it not be.

Look back upon thy reflection of the pool, but not be drawn by it. Should you see what you see, then all is clear, but should you see what is not seen, turn and never look back.

Be weary of what you cannot see, for eyes were made not for seeing what does not exist within our understanding. Not everyone is what they seem. Do not expose the black fangs under the sheets, for it will attack when provoked. Even if the physical form on this plane may be destroyed, be weary that its existence is not.

Luna Dagon

As with how blood flows like water,

The wind howling the desires of the soul.

The fire burning with the heart’s passion.

The determination, as hard as earth.

Life…. is all but an end.

They are becoming silent. Mad, and silent. I cannot stand it. Something is wrong. Something is definately wrong. These changes that are happening around me…. they move to fast. It is causing some reaction among the rest of us. Wizard’s voice is growing weaker. His thoughts are becoming less focused. Fang has tried to help keep the other blood-crazed ones under control, but time is running short. I’ve lost contact with five of my others already. It is as though something is taking over them. Something that isn’t me. Shun has grown silent…. Takeshi has gone mad. This is wrong, all wrong. Something is going to happen, and they know it. But they won’t tell me…. they can’t tell me.

Derrick…. he is getting stronger, but also crazier with each passing day. The number of times i am in control can be counted in seconds… There are more of them. Maybe fifty of them…. i don’t know. They are out of control, and crazed. Blood lust. I will keep trying to suppress them as hard as i can. But soon, i will snap as well. Before that happens…. i need to find the Seal of Luna Dagon. I have no clue as to why…. but everything seems to link. Luna Dagon, the Chariot, the Hanged Man, Cancer, the Dragon. The Empress.

Soon, i will no longer be myself. I can’t afford this. Not at such a crucial time like this. Dammit. I need to suppress it. The cards won’t help this time. I need something else. Dammit…. I’m losing memories, with each part of me becoming crazed. I do not know how many me’s there are, but… all i know is that the number of them becoming crazed, is increasing at a very alarming rate….. this is not good.

For those who read this, let us just say…. that you will find me odd at times. My mood will change faster than the moving second hand of time. Too many of them are becoming dominant. That means, i will no longer have any memories of my original self. A side too extreme, is what i’ll become. Each time, that will change. But then again… i never did have an original self to begin with…. still, i need to do something…. fast.

So it shall be

The cards have told me…. my future is bleak. Black, pitch black. It is hard to imagine, really, how it can change any other way.

It has been five years alredy…. five years since i’ve lost my third sight. In the past, it was possible for me to see past everything. To see into the future. I could prepare for it. But… i don’t know why i lost it. Maybe the ritual i did back then had an effect, a very unwanted one indeed. Now, i can’t. It won’t show itself to me as it did before. All i see…. is darkness. This solitude is quite cold, really. No fire can warm me up from this chill. It is like no other. A dark winter chill.

I have turned to wiccan, or magicka. Tarot cards and stuff…. i thought i would only try it to test out the validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy, but i found that even the cards have foretold the worst. My coming future, is very bleak. Three times, i have drawn the death card, twice, the devil, and once the fool. Like no other, it is foretelling what is to come, or what may come. Yes, i have asked the cards whether it is truely my future, and the cards have told me the obvious.  No. The cards have merely shown me one path, and it was the path of total destruction. Of course, they have not revealed to me what the opposing path would lead me to, but they have shown me what many have told me before. I need to work hard to gain what should be mine. However, they also reveal that that path, is no bed of roses.

The path of hardwork to gain the golden fruit, is full of thorns. I will suffer many hardships, but it would be through those hardships, that i would gain i have wanted. The cards have not specified what these hardships are… but for one thing, these are no ordinary hardships. It could be sickness, it could be fatal. Strange.

I have set up two different set-ups for the cards. One to curse Jerry for being the idiot that he is. He came into our apartment building, claiming to be a resident here, and told the person who let him in that he stayed at our place. IDIOT. What’s more, when he’s banging on the door, the same person who let him in told him not to bang on the door, and he scolded her. what the hell. I think he scolded her once more, and she said that she was an agent working here. Now that, is fucked. Jerry MUST go to apologize to that agent, if not, i will not dispel the five curses i have sent after him. Yes, five. While i have removed the altar already, i have made sure that the curses are still following him. They may not show themselves yet, or anytime soon, but they are there.

My main set-up altar, is for two purposes. One for my own success in my exams, though that is a long-shot. I will need the power of God and Earth to ensure that i am still in University by the end of this term. And i need for than those powers to make sure i graduate within the allocated four years. Yes, i know. This semester will be my last semester in UBCO, there is no question about it. No possibility of me passing. Oh yes, the other purpose for the altar. It’s main focus, is on my parents. This set up is suppose to be filled with positive energies, so my main card for this set-up, is save travels. This is for my parents. I plan to keep this set-up until my mom arrives, but its powers are waning. This is odd. No matter, i must ensure that this card works.

I have always known, that i am a useless child. From young, i have done nothing but made my parents worry over me. When compared to my sisters, i really am nothing. Jie is smart and creative. Lu is outgoing and very eager to learn things. Me? I’m nothing really. I know i’ve said this before, but really. No one can name a single thing i am good at that actually benefits me as a person. Good at games? Doesn’t help me in my future. Writing? My description sucks and i keep have writer’s block. Joker? Lamer and loudspeaker. I have nothing good. I’m not good at sports and i can’t even memorize anything anymore. I even forget how to spell my own name. This is not a joke. I really did.

I have thought of commiting suicide. Hmm, about ten times since i entered University. Fifty times since i came to Canada. And of course, i lost count of how many times i tried to kill myself back in Singapore. But….. i can never do it. Unlike jie, i can’t cut m wrist. No knife is sharp enough to cut through. There are actually two pieces of cartilage in both arms that protect my veins and arteries… so lame. Actually, i have managed to cut my wrist once before…. but that was totally accidental. Still, i entertained that thought after panicing about five seconds. I looked on as the blood flowed. How simple it would be to just drop dead. But of course, i was hungry as well, and since food with my own blood taste horrible, i went to bandage it up. Wounds heal quickly for me and leave no scar, so it isn’t visible anymore.

So, i’ve tried to kill myself. But then i realized…. my life is horrible, it is a mess, and i only cause troubles for ma and pa. No one will really be sad if i wasn’t around. Everyone would benefit. Ma and Pa will have more money in their retirement, they will have one less headache, and the world will be more peaceful. Yes, i should just leave. There is no place for me here, really.  You know, i think even death will hate me, maybe that is why i’m alive. Cuz death gave me life to kick me out. Anyway, i came to realize. Yes, the world will be better. And humans actually adapt to negative changes VERY quickly, but…. For that instant, i would have made Ma and Pa sad. I don’t know about my own siblings, but i know for that one instant, Ma and Pa, would be sad. Maybe shed a tear or two, but…. somehow, i just cannot stand it. For even though i am a useless child, the last thing i want, is to see my own parents cry because of my death. Silly, yes, but it is odd. Even if i am to be kicked out of University, i thought, it is better to see Ma and Pa get furious over it, and most likely kick me out of the house, but even so, at least they didn’t have that sort of sad emotion.

I’ve been to many funerals, and i know what it is like. I know what everyone feels, how everyone behaves. Like waves of energies that are projected onto me. That emotion…. is too strong. It pains me to feel it each time. So… suicide is out my list. My parents are important to me, even if they hate me. I don’t care. All i need to know, is i, myself, have tried. Death is meaningless now. That is why i want to try to find the impossible fountain of eternal youth. I like it now. With my parents and everyone. I don’t want to see anyone else die. I can feel their last breath escape from their bodies like it was the wind against my nape.

I simply do not wish for anyone to die. It is simple, and born from the wish that my parents will never be sad. But this wish… i cannot grant it. Because, i know i’m going to make Ma angry. I just have to prepare for it. Maybe she won’t throw the pen like she did before. I don’t think i have a bandage for my head around the apartment. That time, my head bled a lot. I still remember. I always remember these things.

I do not wish for Ma or Pa to see this. It will only make them worry. But if they do see this post…. well, all i can say is… sorry.

Forgotten Regrets

Regret…. such a simple thing, turned into our nightmare. It can be mild, or it can be devastating. To remember a piece of our past which we longed to turned back the hands of time to change.

Regret came to me today. He made sure i did not forget the things i have done that made my mind go mad. He made me remember the reason for my solitude. Remember my shame. My lost dignity. He can never let me go free.

Like the wind, his voice wispers into my ear. It rings in my head, like the bells of churches that struck twelve. Demons of my past, are those bells.

Dark is the past of man. We try to free ourselves of it, but no matter how much we struggle, it always clings onto us. Wrapping its formless arms around us, blinding us, dragging us back into its dark embrace, where we will drown in our own sorrow and despair.

Regret…. sometimes he cries. Sometimes he laughs. He is an ever-changing person. Never having one single identity. And so, he has no past, he has no present, he has no future. He exist in all planes of existence, and yet, he does not exist at all. Darkness, shall call upon his name.

Sleeping deep within my mind, he rest, living through those experiences of mine. He sees them, lives through them, everyday, every second. A never ending cycle. Should i pity him? Or scorn him? Time will not tell, because for him, time is not a word, nor is it an application. He has no time.

The only way for me…. is to wait. Wait for his arrival. Wait for his dark entrance. Only when i have faced my past, my despairs, can i see him, for who he really is. But in reality, i know of him. I’ve known him ever since birth. He is the small timid boy, who sat in the corner of my mind, crying, surrounded by toys and fun things, that he is unable to touch. Regret, is simply a title of his. No, he is much more than that.

I know of him. For regret is a thought, a feeling. And i know of my thoughts and feelings. So i know of who this small boy is. I wish sorely to comfort him, to stroke his head, and wisper words of comfort into his ear. To give him the drink of life. To break his chains that bind him to that corner. I know of him, yes, i do…. for it was i who placed him in that corner. It was i who rejected him in the first place, deprived him of those things. For that, i know i am wrong.

It is a simple reason as to why i would try to accept him now, when i rejected him in the past. Because now, i can see him. For all of his dark existence, i thought he would never be able to affect me so. Yes, because of light that was brought into my realm, i can light a torch to see his face clearly. But was it for the best that i see the truth? I would never know. But now that i have seen it, i cannot turn away. Because i found that by binding him, i have only bound myself.

Yes, that young boy…. is me.

Freedom by the Fangs

This is one of those rare times, when none of the others are making any noise. Wizard is still keeping me company, and for that, i thank him. He really has helped me greatly this past two years, though sometimes, i do question his motives, or his actions.

I really do not know how many there are. I just know that they are there. Besides Shun, there are a couple others who speak jap. There is one, or two, almost like wizard. Was it Yuuichi? Or Takeshi…. or both? i forgot. For now, they’re asleep. Shun is telling me that they are half asleep…. i’ll try not to wake them.

When i shower, one of the four dangerous ones come out. They seem attracted by the hot water. But they also appear at other times, mostly when i least expect them to come out. It is getting dangerous, for those around me, and for myself. The one who comes out the most, is beast. Fang is a new addition, and he is rather fierce, though more calm and collected than the other three. Beast has someone similar to him, monster, but monster rarely appears, and his actions and thoughts are too similar to demon, so i rarely am able to differentiate them. Devil… he appeared three times already. First time when i was still in singapore, before coming over to canada. Second was in bodwell…. and the last one, he came out yesturday. I was rather frightening, actually…. i never thought he was awake, and he suddenly took over.

I realized that most of these guys were made from my own feelings and emotions. Each one representing a different thought. I even have female ones in here…. hmm, since when though? None of them wants to tell me. So far i count five. Kasumi is rather brash, and with Karin….. the two of them are rather noisy and it usually take four of the other guys to shut them up -_-ll

As for the other three girls, i’m not too sure. It’s either they keep changing names, or that their positions keep interchanging with other girls, so i may have counted twenty girls in total, and didn’t know… that is frightening in its own way.

Wizard recently gained a new friend…. not sure what his name is. Must be new. Well, they both are rather talkative, naggy and philosophical…. his twin brother?! No way….

There are just too many of them, i really can’t count them…. news ones come and go, old ones stay silent that i forget them…. But for one thing, a large majority of them are in agreement on a few things… for one thing, close to ninety percent of them do not trust celine. forty percent of that early ninety hate her. I? I personally don’t care, five percent of the remaing ten trust her, the others… are with me, undecisive…. well, about ninety-nine percent of us, including me, hate jerry, and wish him dead. yes, dead. The rare one percent rare shows up, so i can’t really know what their take is on this, though two or three of them are rather friendly with him…. i don’t know who they are. Wizard is most of the time frustrated with jerry, always getting into arguements with the latter if wizard is out. But at least wizard knows how to control himself. Sometimes.

What’s worse on the topic of jerry, are the girls…. they all detest him to the point that they nearly just come out whenever i see him just to strangle the living daylights out of him…. scary. Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn, huh? Yeah, jerry may not know this, or he may, but his ego and his beliefs are by far, very very very VERY irritating and annoying. Double goes to the girls. They all hate him, and each time one of the guys brings up that vermin’s name, those girls just can’t stop throwing insults. My head hurts when they do that…. But it is best to let them vent…. better than me being the aim of their hate. So jerry’s view is that men rule over women, and that really pisses them off. I agree with them, but not that extreme. They go on about how women are greater than men, so the rest just argue back that women are equal to men…. it takes a lot more convincing than just talking. Well, at least Kasumi accepted it rather easily. Karin is still ranting…. noisy.

As i said, each of these guys represent a different feeling, a different thought, a different emotion. So there are tons, millions, maybe infinite number of them.

I know that this is not multiple personality disorder. I studied it intensly on my own to understand it. I understand what it details, and i know that i do not have it. This isn’t an excuse, nor is it a form of imagination. But maybe…. it is.

By wishing it to be true, to believe in it so strongly that it is true, these thoughts have manisfested themselves into rather independent thoughts, though we share the same thoughts……. they keep me company in my solitude, so i do not have to fear of being alone. When i am down, they cheer me up, and i thank them for it. They are my saviors, my friends, my family, my guardians. They are…. me.

Chicken hearts are NOT hearty chickens, Chicken fingers, however, are to be fingered at chickens

Have you ever tried looking for recipies through yahoo for chicken hearts? Well don’t, you’ll find the most useless pieces of information you’ll everlook at.

Some useless piece of information. Whenever you need to see your philosophy prof for something urgent, he is always never there. Same goes for his TA. Also MIA.

Did you know that false memories are very common? You can easily manipulate a person into thinking that a certain memory exist, and they can believe it till their last breath. They’ll even swear it true. Inplanting false memories, that is so cool. That is why i love psyc.

False memories can be inplanted in many ways. One very common way, done by some researchers, is that you tell the person that such an even occured to them in their past. Of course, it must be rather familiar to them, or possible. After reminding them repeatedly for three or more sessions, the subjects themselves would tell the story themselves, with a bit of their own flair dropped in.

Young kiddies are even better. You can inplant a completely ridiculous event in them, and they’ll believe it. Gullible little critters. This is no exception to anyone, even psyc students ourselves, are weak to such a mind bending power. Bow down to psychology!

Well, another way, is the way phrase questions. In law, it is called, “leading the witness”. For example, you have a bunch of people who witnessed a collision. You ask them to estimate the speeds of the cars involved. The way you phrase it, can dramatically alter their answers. Example, “How fast were the cars going when they hit with one another?” would result in a much much lower estimation than “How fast were the cars going when they smashed into one another?”. “Collided” would also produce different results.

There’s this lady, who is hired for most court cases to tell jurors and basically everyone in the court that recovered memories from a witness has a small percentage to be accurate. Even if the person is totally confident in their memory, they are wrong, never trust a person who uses that excuse. They suck. Anyway, she gets paid A LOT, and she also recieves death threats. For whatever reasons, i don’t know. But we can always guess.
There are many cases of false eye-witnesses identifying the wrong person, and that innocent person gets jailed for a crime he or she did not commit. But of course, with unorthadox and unethical interrogation methods, you can make that person believe that they commited the crime. Cool, huh? You can even make up a case, psycho the person to be the criminal, and psycho witnesses as well to believe it. Then, poof! You have a completely false case, and no one will believe that it is false!

There was a case, where a women was raped. She identified a guy to be her assailant, and she was totally confident about her judgement. About two years after that, another dude shows up, and claims he was the one who raped the girl. The two men were brought forward before the girl. She still claimed the first man to be her attacker, and claimed she never saw the second man in her entire life. ELEVEN years AFTER the incident, DNA testing proved the first man innocent, and the second man guilty. Why did it take so long? It takes that long for it to be approved bythe court of law…. dumb shits. The girl, was devastated. She sent an innocent man to jail for ELEVEN years! And she was so sure her memory was right, too bad it wasn’t. The guy was paid $5000 as compensation. That isn’t enough!

Anyway, another thing is the death penalty. They say that with the death penalty, there is a decrease in crime. Actually, there isn’t a difference with or without. They say that people should be killed as life in prison would cost more. Actually, executing a person is more expensive. To execute a guy, you must go through tons and TONS of appeals, which cost a bomb. So that is why singapore chooses hanging. Since it already cost so much just to get the guy to die, choose the cheapest way to kill him. Somewhere, don’t know where exactly, but i heard that prison actually charges people who have been innocently accused and put in jailed, after that released. Why? For food and lodgings….. er…… okay….

I don’t like the death penalty, and think it is just stupid. But then again, i am simply the watcher. The silent observer. The guardian of my own world. I have no true strength to change things around me. I hardly have enough to change my own life. It is more like watching a movie, than me controlling my own body. Words that come out are not mine, actions that are done were never meant to be done. So all i can do…. is watch.

Visage

I never noticed that there was a pillar on a sort of seculded path from the entrance of the student service’s centre…. i need to check it out…. i’ll do it on monday. There is something about that pillar that bothers me…. there is something more than meets the eye.

Though i do not really want to admit it, my primary class is… berserker…. I don’t really have the aptitude to be an elementalist….

This is soo…. not good…. Aeries will not… be pleased…. %!@#

Blarghering

Woah, totally woah today…. okay, first, i was playing RF online, lvling up my chars, which i might add are FREAKING difficult, compared to other games, i mean, come on! the only way to lvl up is through fighting non-stop. Other games have quest to boost up xp! Second, the skill tree are sooo hard to understand, i don’t have any skills past the first bunch. I can’t even dance! I mean, in other MMORPGs, i can just type ‘/dance’, or ‘/sit’, and my char will do that action, but this one? Noooo…. well, whatever, it looks cool.

So the cool stuff have prices that are affordable by Kings, but i have other complaints… the month by month payment…. Speaking of MMORPGs, my sister played GuildWars and didn’t tell me… where did our sibling trust go? …. down a drain, i suppose. So anyway, i was playing, and i was late for the bus. Crap, i went into the 7-11 at my house and drew $40 bucks, called a cab and took it all the way to school. It gave me an hour of free time…. if i took the bus, i would be right on time. So i arrived early, and the classroom wasn’t open yet, so i took some coins and went to the vending machine and got a pepsi and a packet of hickory sticks… wonder what the hell is that? Hikory sounds nice, like BBQ, but BBQ can mean ‘Buy Butt Questions’, no clue where that came from.

As i waited with my ‘lunch’, an extremely fat woman came out of the elevator. First thing on mind, ‘roli poli’. Second, bloody muther f, how did she get on board that crate anyhow? She was like, larger than a car. Bolwing ball…. i bet i can find three holes on her back to place my fingers in to bowl her into a couple of sticks. Anyway, that got me thinking… why are women in Kelowna fatter than the men?? It’s like… i’m in an alternate universe or something. Then came along a bunch of other fat women to further solidify my theory. Next, came a woman who had an enormous hair do. I mean, it occupied a good 70% of her head. No kidding, really.

You know, each day i can get distracted by millions of things and think of that same amount of things into wierd philosophical shit…. well, it is nice shit. But i can only remember a handful when i get back.

So for class, we were talking about… lifespan development? Boring stuff, but some parts are interesting. I now know that Freud is a pervert. He thinks 3-5 yr olds musterbate… sicko….

So we got onto parents and stuff… it made me miss my parents by a HUGE bit. What a contrary sentence… HUGE bit. Oh, i found that i have extremely LOW empathy… that does not make me a cold heart bastard, though it may sound like it…. i just cry a lot less than others and i am more rational… i’m only trying to make myself sound pretty…

So after class, i sort of made friends with a new girl in the class. She’s from India and her name is… forgot… I was never good with names to begin with. So we talked and stuff, nothing big… So i headed to EB to look for my long awaited Valkyrie Profile, but ALAS! I was too late. Here’s the story. Yesturday, the delivery guy was late, he only arrived at 4pm. That being said, he only gave them 3 copies… now this jackass of a customer, came strolling in and bought 2! What the hell! As if one isn’t enough! What the bloody hell do you need TWO for?!?!?!?!?! Give one to his friend? FUCK YOU! Ask your fucking friend or sibling to go buy on their own! BLOODY HELL!!! I WAITED A WHOLE MONTH FOR THAT GAME!!!…. Feel the thunder cloud burning over my head… grrr…. these bastards should die, all of them.

Anyway, i went home, and decided to skip going to Ozeki for my dinner. I had decided that every mon and thur, after class i would go to Ozeki’s for dinner. But tonight, there was a program on dsicovery about Singapore… Saying how Singapore has the best underground train system in the world. You know, i am kind of proud of that, but… BLOODY HELL!!! Out of ALL of the things Singapore is good for, like the multi racial community, the mixed up language, our SUPREMELY DELICIOUS food and stuff, they had to film the underground… duh… so they went on about all sorts of shit, then they did the unimaginable… they switched their focus to Amsterdam, who is also building underground…. FUCK YOU!!! If you want to make a documentary on Singapore, then BLOODY HELL KEEP IT TO SINGAPORE!!!….

I’m being bloodied up by a bunch of dinosaurs in RF… i think i need to focus…

Endless

AH GONG!!! OH MY FREAKING GOD! I’ve become an grandfather. No no, not literally. Among me, Long, Long’s gf celine, Jerry, Jerry’s Brunei gf Wei, i am the youngest in age, but somehow, i’m always the one acting the oldest, almost like an ah gong. This is just like jie’s case, except, i am mentally ah gong, while jie is age type ah gong among her friends.

Also, i noticed that after i shower, if i brush all of my hair back behind my ears, i look almost exactly like jie with her old hair cut. OMG. i think i know why i am called jie’s twin…. larger younger twin… AHAHAHAHA